Like This? Watch That: Summer Hiatus Edition

You’re in pain. We understand. We can help. Follow our handy guide to summer healing while you wait for the inevitable fall.

If You Like: Supernatural
Then Watch: Dominion
Why: The angel garrison is a large part of Supernatural, and it’s front and center in Dominion. Not only do you get the most stunningly gorgeous wing porn you’ve ever laid eyes on in the brand-new Dominion, but a set of somewhat-diverse and interesting characters to boot. But I mean –come on. Stunning. Wing. Porn

If You Like: Pirates
Then Watch: Crossbones
Why: Good piratey fun. Need I say more?

If You Like: Alients, Astronauts, Halle Berry
Then Watch:
Why: It’s a high-concept sci-fi premise that holds promise, and worth sticking around for.

If You Like: Boardwalk Empire
Then Watch: The Knick
Why: Well, it hasn’t aired yet — it premieres on August 8th — but the premise is genuinely interesting, a ten-episode hospital drama set in 1900 in New York City. We’ll have to wait and see whether it lives up to it’s gritty promise, but I have hope for this one.

If You Like: Post-Apocalyptic Scenarios, e.g. Revolution
Then Watch: The Last Ship, The Leftovers
Why: In The Last Ship, a crew of a Navy destroyer finds themselves among the last people on earth. The Leftovers focuses on those left behind after 140 million people suddenly vanish from the face of the planet. Both are ten-episode series adapted from bestselling novels, and both seem worth checking out.

If You Like: Mad Men
Then Watch: Masters of Sex
Why: Season 2 has arrived for this saucy, tasteful drama, and should be just as promising and complex as its predecessor.

If You Like: Once Upon a Time, Sleepy Hollow
Then Watch: Outlanders
Why: It’s a thrilling blend of sci-fi, fantasy, adventure, romance, and historical fiction, and the books were outstanding (no pun intended, although looking back, it should have been).

If You Like: Hannibal
Then Watch: Penny Dreadful
Why: It’s a psychological thriller depicting the origins of classic horror characters. It’s got style, it’s got grace, it’s got great chemistry between the characters. If you like sex, horror, violence, period dramas, or a nice combination of the four, then go check this one out. While I would be remiss to call the two shows similar, they do both have a knack for seducing the viewer.

48 Things You Thought While Watching the “Fifty Shades” Trailer, According To Us

In the grand tradition of making lists that assume that everyone is average and thinks and acts the same way (e.g. “What Men Think About Trends,” etc. etc.), we’ve provided our own to tell you everything you were thinking while you were watching the trailer. And not a single one of them is, “I wasn’t watching the trailer, what are you talking about, you utter fool.”

Without further ado (and warning, strong language ahead, because you have the mouth of a sailor):

  1. Who the fuck decorated this place? Is President Snow in there? He is, isn’t he?
  2. Who the fuck hired you? Both of you? All of you?
  3. Damn, that blonde woman looks sinister. President Snow.
  4. She’s supposed to be interviewing you, dumbass. This isn’t fuckin’ Twilight, you ain’t fuckin’ Edward.
  5. … Unless you are, shall we say, fucking Edward. That’d be interesting. Plot twist.
  6. He actually looks like a teddy bear. That’s amusing.
  7. He’s staring intensely at her.
  8. She’s staring intensely at him.
  9. Oh. A control freak. That’s um …. disturbing.
  10. This really is Twilight fanfic. What an age we live in.
  11. He’s staring intensely at her again as the music swells.
  12. “I’m incapable of leaving you alone.” That’s uh, again, fuckin’ disturbing. Please don’t tell me we’re gonna have to teach our daughters all over again that codependency is not a healthy relationship.
  13. They’re staring intensely at each other.
  14. He’s staring intensely at her again.
  15. “You should steer clear of me.” You mean as in … “You really should stay away from me” (Twilight, Ch. 4, Pg. 84)? Because if we could just recycle the dialogue, that’d be much more efficient (you also happen to have an encyclopedic knowledge of Twilight quotes).
  16. Look, he’s dangerous.
  17. He’s gone. Now he’s here. Now he’s feeling her up underneath the table. That’s exciting.
  18. “I don’t do romance.” Honey, by the looks of this movie, literally no one is doing romance here. I’m certainly not emotionally swayed.
  19. “You wouldn’t understand.” Look honey, you ain’t a fuckin’ vampire. You’re just kinky. It’s different. Calm the fuck down.
  20. And look, see? She wants to be enlightened. You had nothing to worry about.
  21. That is an impressive porn lair.
  22. Though I feel that if you’re gonna be blindfolded, what’s the need for the swell decor?
  23. Beyonce does a nice job here of sounding raspy, moany, and seductive. A nice touch.
  24. Still not enthralled. Start talking to me when you film your BDSM bestiality blockbuster. (Wow, that’s, er …. We won’t tell anyone. If that’s what you’re into.)

So, that’s what ran through your head. Feel free to reflect on that, and come back to us later for more of your daily thoughts. Write Fifty Shades fanfiction. Use a lot of adverbs and ellipses. Publish it. Then write fanfiction of that. 

Welcome to Seven Deadly Cynics

You’ll notice that there are televisions everywhere.

Look up. Is there a television? There might be. The television is the all-seeing eye. The television will keep you safe, and report back to its robot overlords, who will protect you.

Or you could be a Deadly Cynic and wonder just what it is that has wormed its way into your life.

But that sounds terrifying. What does it mean? Don’t worry, young Padawan. We’ll show you.

Welcome to Seven Deadly Cynics.

We’re all about celebrating our dear robot overlords, sure. But we’re also about questioning them. Negotiating with them, and wondering how they impact the larger, non-robot world. That’s the essence of this website. We’re an open resource for the latest overlord updates and what they mean for the rest of us. We’re a safe and sane (well, safeish and saneish) voice in a cold, simplistic, judgmental universe that doesn’t care about you. Don’t worry, padawan. We care about you. The overlords care about you. And that’s all that matters. 

Expect daily updates on what’s going on in movies and TV that probe its implications like a team of aliens from the nearest rogue planet. Don’t worry about wondering what to think about the latest goings-ons. We’ll tell  you what to think. And you need not fear that we’re facetious or sarcastic, as we’re never facetious or sarcastic. But then, as the overlords tell us in their Summer 2014 ThoughtGuide, that’s exactly the kind of thing a facetious, sarcastic person would say. So who’s to say? Who’s to know? And that’s exactly the fun of being a Deadly Cynic.

Join us, join the overlords, and we’ll conquer the world.